Wednesday, August 20, 2008
mama is no longer here.
Dear Diary,Today is mama's wake.
Everyone broke down, and even my eyes moistened in this dark dense atmosphere of sorrow and loss... Before then, I was stoic. I tried to be indifferent, aren't I supposed to be the emotionally strongest amongst the lot?
Men should be strong and provide the shoulder to be cried on, but standing in front of her coffin now, it's a different story.
My only regret is that mama can no longer see me graduate from university when I have always been her brightest hope of doing so. I don't know whether she passed on knowing about my scholarship.
Every time I go back to visit, I always make sure I have some sort of achievement to show to her and it never fails to make her happier or prouder. It makes me feel better. She was there during my com presentation in poly, she was there during my commissioning in OCS, but now she's not here anymore..
She is healthier than most, at 81, she smokes, sleeps late, wakes early, goes shopping, cooks mouth-watering dishes, plays tetris on the venerable gameboy, drinks cold drinks, watches Korean dramas and Taiwanese talk shows on TV late into the night, plays Mahjong expertly like a military strategist, speaks English fluently to the younger generation, Chinese to the young adults, Teo Chew to the neighbours, Cantonese to her generation, Malay to the locals, Hokkien to our parents and Hakka to the morning road-side stall auntie.
How can you find such an astounding grandmother with no formal education? She lived through WW2, lost her husband 10 years ago, yet remained all lively and joyful today.
I tower at least 2 feet over her, yet I've always felt inadequate standing next to her, as if all my achievements account for nothing compared to my amazing grandma.
Mama has been an amazing grandmother, she's been the pillar for everyone. The emotional pillar for her children, the inspirational pillar for her grandchildren. She is the source of strength, unity, togetherness, understanding, family, compassion, inspiration, and the pure untarnished love for everyone.
She has always been the centerpiece of our families, for reunions, for gatherings, for meals. Her house is the command centre where the cousins go to for meals after school every day, where cousins run to when they feud with their parents, when our own parents quarrel; her own children go to her place for comfort, solace and board.
And even in her passing, mama still manages to bring all the relatives together, one last time. I met a long-lost cousin that I've never met before. He came from another branch in the family tree. A distant cousin from another marriage, he flew back just for this.
I had cousins I've not seen in years, who are studying overseas who came back in a day when it takes a year to see them.
Today during the wake, tears flowed freely on the short, completely miserable and downcast push of the hearse to the crematorium. My dad is the eldest of the children, and I am the eldest in my family.
I am not the oldest cousin in my generation, but the first is a girl, and the second oldest is a guy who is not the eldest in his family.
I am the next. That makes me the eldest of the eldest.
There were many rituals we had to do, and I have to be one of the first. BEFORE mama's own children.
After my dad leading the third generation, I am next leading the fourth generation, my cousins. I have to do the rituals alone. I can only begin to imagine how painful it was for my dad, he must have been experiencing the pain a thousand fold.
It was miserable. It was downright depressing. It was downright fucking depressing.
It seems I am destined to lead even in miserable conditions. I've taken many leadership posts before. As the head of a class, as the head of a club, as the head of a platoon, as the fucking head of a committee. But this isn't a fucking leadership post I want to take. Why is it all my cousins' shoulder pins are in a simple blue-red colored cloth, yet mine has to be some fancy red strip on hemp cloth?
This is not some rank shit. I am not proud to wear it. Yet as the eldest of the eldest, I have to lead my cousins, younger or older through the rituals.
She was so healthy, even complaining about the hospital stench. But apparently whilst visiting the toilet, she just passed away peacefully of a heart-attack.
I've been to many funerals before. Parents of friends. Friends. Grandparents. relatives. Cancer. Accident. Organ failure. Stroke.
But somehow, you know it's coming. But this time, none of us did.
But it was so sudden. I feel so useless. I am in biomedical, yet why didn't I see this coming? But her checkups were all clear, colonscopy, full EKG tests, mammograms, and all the works. It all turned out to be clean.
I feel so fucking responsible.
Could I have prevented this?
I have lost a great person in my life.
The damn text took 5 hours to chant.
I keep burning "money" to be sent over to mama...
I will graduate. Then mama, I'll burn the photo with me in the graduation gown holding the degree with my parents, and you'll see I've not failed you.
You just needed to wait a little longer...
It still hurts.
