Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thoughts of the past
I know this blog hasn't been updated for some time, but I'll still back-track the entries anyway, it does take time to sit down and pen down a meaningful entry instead of just spitting out the events that occurred during the day.
I had the chance of meeting up with some good ‘ol friends, and topics of our conversation actually got me thinking about the times back then. It was like taking a walk back into the past, completely envisioning what really happened back then.
Somehow I can picture it all over again, it all started in school, talking about relationships and about others. Somehow even though I am a completely different person now from back then, I can remember the shadow that I once was that I am trying so hard to forget.
I was another completely-forgettable-hopeless person back then, all-talk, poor-grades compared to the others in my class. It surprised me initially, apparently rumors of me back then with others were strife, well-known and wide-spread. It started with one, then another one, and then another one...
Of course the biggest and the most-talked about was the last. Everyone knew we were seeing each other regularly, we've been to each other's places, we stayed back late in school to study and had meals together during and after class. I remember those were one of the best days back then when I totally hated the place.
The model-student-prefect-top-grades student with the irritating-lousy-grades-immature boy was the talk of the day back then ain't it? If there were tabloids, it would have been front-page news. Even the teachers and damn principal knew, and yet we weren't even actually together. I don't know what could be seen in me then, but I won't be sprouting any details here. But somehow nothing good ever lasts and all that went spiraling down the drain with scars that can be felt even till today.
The friendship blossomed and whilst it lasted for a happy while, it deteriorated with shocking rapidity. The person was like an elder sibling to me, and I guess it did cross my mind several times amongst other thoughts. What I can say is that it was happy whilst it lasted.
Sigh, it's all the past now. People talked about us. But we don't even talk or acknowledge each other anymore. She isn't the first that I've lost this way. Many came and went the same way.
All this caused by some loose words by a damned third-party. Maybe I've come to terms with it, maybe I haven't. But one thing's for sure, the culprit who caused all this grief hasn't dared to face me yet. Maybe not anymore.
Maybe it's because of this person that I've changed.
Maybe life isn't all about playing, having fun, going out or playing with computers.
But even up till now I have been trying very hard to prove myself. She's the model-student then, went to a top JC and now graduating from a Uni, no doubt with exemplary grades. Maybe even up till now can I even hold a candle up to that person? Can I even blame myself?
All my achievements in poly must have been a mere joke when compared in scale to this person, probably just a commentary sideline. I feel so artificial, superficial and a complete hoax every time I pen an achievement in my CV or tell a prospective employer during an interview. Whatever I've done from then till now, doesn't even seem to mean anything. When people compare what I've achieved from then till now, it all seems so meaningless. Maybe what I've done is just not good enough.
I think, maybe she's laughing right now.
"you small boy, you think that's good enough?"
Maybe it's the respect that I am trying to earn in her eyes.
The sayings are right. Respect takes a long time to earn, and is easy to lose. Once lost, it's almost impossible to regain back.
Maybe this thirst for achievement thing isn't just stemmed from my family, or from my upbringing. Maybe it's all because of this one life-changing event.
Maybe I've lost my respect for this person as well.
After all, I am not the same person from back then anymore.
Posted by MK at 4:40 PM
